it was the strangest thing. i woke up this morning, frantic and stressed for waking up an hour and a half late. over the past few weeks, the alarm clock has become my sworn enemy, and there have been two instances in which i slept through it. so, imagine rapid movement run by quick-source adrenaline: can't be late, can't be late, can'te be late. and really, you have all the time in the world. or you can. but detours must be made and people to be avoided. when you overcome all those trivial obstacles, you park in your car under the sun and wait like you do have minutes and hours in the palm of your hands.

and after all of that, after my biological high, my feelings base-jumped and are now free-falling. i feel heavy-hearted and empty at the same time for no reason at all, and this is like history repeating itself. almost. because i'm certain that i am capable of manipulating catching myself before things go astray. you know? probably not. by far, this is the worst kind of experience. i can attempt to sift through the mess of a heavy heart in order to find clearance or build upon emptiness with an influx of paranoia and inadequacy. what am i so upset about? nothing that i can tackle head-on, apparently.

so i put some thought into it. (pretend five minutes have gone by, in which i took the time to ponder). and i realized something that is all-so important but not exactly significant, in terms of being obvious. because it is obvious, thus rendering it insignificant to everyone except me. half the things i do in my spare time are distractions. it keeps me from thinking too much because i have a tendency to do that, you know; i do what i do to forget. unfortunately, life makes a roundabout turn, doesn't it? no avoiding it, as much as i try to fend it off.

i don't know. i suppose i could just - i don't know. i'll figure it out one of these days.

all the reading and studying amount to absolutely nothing when history is forcefully driven into your skull when you clearly lack the interest and ability to memorize trivial things, its only purpose serving to prove educators and future employers that you're well-rounded and capable. how is one to apply this to life except to shape your values and perspective? maybe i need convincing.