how soft they speak and seem to be at peace with the movement

no intents and devoid of purpose

2008-02-24T21:50:58Z

rabbit hole (n): innately curious and shameless beings who flock to this location to meet others who are equally curious and shameless, or just your average burrow created by creatures of the wild.

this journal is officially, ~~relatively~~ public. for those who have been deleted, it's not because i don't love you but because you already have me added elsewhere. staying here to keep in touch with others not as active, and for people who can't read my other one because of its privacy settings.

and for any random passersby reading, everything posted here will probably be exaggerated versions of real life because i would hate to impose on you my worries, jealousies, insecurities, bad habits, and everything else you could imagine. and if you're reading this, you probably know me in real life because this was indirectly accessible through other outlets i've made public. and if you're reading this because you know me and the first letter of your name is anywhere between a-z, i've probably already talked about you. not you but you, the general you because there are many of you who are reading.

i know this. so hello. and if you're pressed to follow up with your stalking tendencies, i'm not adding here; go to the other place and we'll negotiate.

06; driving on the freeway flash line

2006-07-25T15:55:06Z

conflict (n): opposition between two simultaneous but incompatible feelings
free association: the spontaneous outpouring of associated ideas from the subconscious

it was the strangest thing. i woke up this morning, frantic and stressed for waking up an hour and a half late. over the past few weeks, the alarm clock has become my sworn enemy, and there have been two instances in which i slept through it. so, imagine rapid movement run by quick-source adrenaline: can't be late, can't be late, can'te be late. and really, you have all the time in the world. or you can. but detours must be made and people to be avoided. when you overcome all those trivial obstacles, you park in your car under the sun and wait like you do have minutes and hours in the palm of your hands.

and after all of that, after my biological high, my feelings base-jumped and are now free-falling. i feel heavy-hearted and empty at the same time for no reason at all, and this is like history repeating itself. almost. because i'm certain that i am capable of ~~manipulating~~ catching myself before things go astray. you know? probably not. by far, this is the worst kind of experience. i can attempt to sift through the mess of a heavy heart in order to find clearance or build upon emptiness with an influx of paranoia and inadequacy. what am i so upset about? nothing that i can tackle head-on, apparently.

so i put some thought into it. (pretend five minutes have gone by, in which i took the time to ponder). and i realized something that is all-so important but not exactly significant, in terms of being obvious. because it is obvious, thus rendering it insignificant to everyone except me. half the things i do in my spare time are distractions. it keeps me from thinking too much because i have a tendency to do that, you know; i do what i do to forget. unfortunately, life makes a roundabout turn, doesn't it? no avoiding it, as much as i try to fend it off.

i don't know. i suppose i could just - i don't know. i'll figure it out one of these days.

trying to smile or forcing a laugh
isn't working.

03; this great blue world of ours

2006-07-20T01:18:30Z

"close your eyes and roll a dice / under the board there's a compromise / if after all we only lived twice / which lies the run road to paradise."

i have a penchant for sitting around and doing absolutely nothing but gaze and listen. i have reasons for leaving early and waiting and waiting because it's peaceful and nice to just sit in your car and do absolutely nothing at all while you have a CD mix on a loop. or, if not that, overhearing conversations between two people locked in a bittersweet argument. no yelling but quiet resignation and melancholy. and that - there is no question of privacy because all you can do is listen and catch words, interspersed with lyrics that have nothing to do with anything at all.

"i liked you. before all this anyway," she says.

(c'est le seul vide que je comblerai peut-êre / le seul regard que je saurai reconnaître / le seul et unique, il n'a jamais cessé d'être / je me'inclinerai juste avant de disparaître )

"so it's over?"

(mon double dans l'eau trouble / ravive dans l'eau vive / je sombre dans l'eau sombre)

"it's over."

and it's always funny that it means nothing at all. it's like watching a fictional movie playing before your eyes, but it doesn't exist in your world. and yet the exchange is still real and beautiful with an unfortunate ending. a soundtrack to their fleeting love story.

01 ; for once i want to be the car crash

2006-07-12T23:12:05Z

all the reading and studying amount to absolutely nothing when history is forcefully driven into your skull when you clearly lack the interest and ability to memorize trivial things, its only purpose serving to prove educators and future employers that you're well-rounded and capable. how is one to apply this to life except to shape your values and perspective? maybe i need convincing.

60;

2005-11-14T20:06:08Z

histrionic
adj.

     Characteristic of acting or a stage performance; "an attitude of melodramatic despair"; "a theatrical pose"

          1. Emotionally dramatic and exaggerated
          2. Attention seeking; wanting to be center of attention

(a needlepoint short of inaccuracy)

ALPHA. because privacy is [somewhat] overrated.

2005-08-10T16:07:58Z

SEMI . LOCKED . POSTS !

"i like persons better than principles, and i like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world."